By Beth Allen, Contributing Writer
Six middle-school kids sit side-by-side in the front row of a theater waiting for the movie to begin. Getting that many kids together in any social gathering when it’s not a birthday is no mean feat, yet there is no laughter or conversation among them to mark this rare occasion. Instead, they sit in wordless isolation; their shoulders hunched over small illuminated screens, their heads dropped forward in silent concentration, their fingers busily sending text messages to other kids who are not in this small group. Welcome to the social norm of the 21st-century.
Looking back to a technologically simpler time, Emily Post summed up her philosophy for right living in saying: “Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners.”
Using that definition in this context, is it acceptable for friends to sit together and text other friends or is it insensitive? Has text messaging become just one more area where society is losing the manners battle or do we need to expand our ideas on proper etiquette to encompass developments in technology? How is text messaging used by our kids, and what is our responsibility as parents to guide them in texting etiquette?
Like most inventions, text messaging was supposed to make our lives less stressful by offering us more choices. When text messaging was launched in January 2004, Jonathan B. Spira, CEO and chief analyst at Basex, a research company that tracks mobility, said, “Having a device that allows friends and family to text each other without incurring any per message charges is the logical next step in personal communications.”
In many cases, text messaging now has become the favored form of communication. I interviewed a sample of young adults, dividing them into micro-generations of middle-schoolers, high-schoolers, and twenty-somethings to see what their views are on the use of text messaging and their rules of etiquette.
The high-schoolers and twenty-some things echoed the sentiment that texting when in the presence of others for an extended period of time is a social faux pas, while texting for planning purposes, because it requires less time, is acceptable. However, the middle-schoolers – who were introduced to texting at an earlier age – are less troubled by long conversations. “It’s annoying when people text message other people when I’m with them,” Dani Vignos, a high-schooler from Orinda, said. “I don’t really believe they should be text messaging because you’ve taken your time to be with that person, and then they’re preoccupied with texting; it’s rude.”
Grace Nevins, a middle-schooler from Orinda, generally expressed her age group’s feelings when she said, “I pretty much always take text messages when I’m with other friends. When one of my friends is texting I’ve never had to ask them to get off. I just wait. I don’t get annoyed. I think kids accept this behavior. I don’t think it’s rude unless it’s with an adult.”
And Eileen Browning, 24, a graduate student at Northwestern University, said: “Long conversations are considered rude but just a back and forth for logistical reasons isn’t rude.”
Talking with the groups, there was agreement on certain aspects of text usage. Everyone agreed that girls text more than boys and their conversations are longer (no surprise there). They also agreed that texting is the most convenient and effective way to make plans, especially while on the move from one place to another or when multitasking.
Andrew Hackley, 22, a hotel front desk manager in Durango, CO, said that although he prefers calling on the phone, it seems more males prefer texting than talking. “Texting,” he said, “gives guys a chance to think about what they want to say.” Even younger males seemed clued in to this conversational advantage. Greyson Goodwin, a middle-schooler in Orinda, said, “I like to be able to think. I like the way I have a moment or two before responding.”
Jacqueline Garell, a high-schooler in Orinda, described a different type of advantage in texting that combines both elements of shyness and cunning in a modern twist on flirtation. “We make committee decisions (in conversations) with the opposite sex,” Jacqueline said. “When a boy texts a girl and she’s with her friends, they all decide what she should say back to him. We sort of vote … it’s really fun.”
This Cyrano de Bergerac approach to relationships is used by all three age groups and doesn’t appear to be gender specific. “Oh, I know guys do it too,” Browning said, “it’s obvious when they do when it takes the guy forever to answer a simple question. When you’re with a group, it’s a team effort on what you should say back.”
So what is a parent to do; can we fight the march of progress? Or perhaps a better question might be: When you’re with your child, do you text message? Since I began looking at this subject I noticed how many parents sit and text when their children are with them. I’ve watched countless mothers and fathers at restaurants or cafes ignore their children while lost to the world of texting.
There are approximately 66 million cell phones in operation in the United States. The rules of engagement for phone and for texting could be interchangeable. In “The New Etiquette,” author Marjabelle Young Stewart writes: “Keep in mind that the people you are with usually take priority over a phone call. Having a conversation in their presence can be rude and make them feel unimportant.”
What message are parents sending when they choose to pay attention to a machine instead of paying attention to their children? And what behavior are they modeling for their children to emulate? To paraphrase Voltaire, common courtesy is not so common. But it need not be that way. The times they may be a changin’ but the lessons our grandmothers taught us still apply when it comes to others: Make the people you are with feel as though they matter to you.
Taking your attention away from someone else, especially for an extended period of time, doesn’t do that. If you’re with someone who is texting for too long, ask that person to please stop. If you’re in middle-school and have developed a different texting comfort level with your friends, you still might want to ask them if it would bother them before conducting a prolonged conversation.
Of course, the one texting rule that looks as if it’s already been assimilated into our culture is that all bets are off when it comes to romance. Isn’t it nice to know some things never change?
Beth Allen is a writer for Excel in Marketing (EIM), located in Orinda, CA. EIM is the founder of My Textalk, an online community and product suite of pocket glossaries holding over 1,000 text messaging terms for boys, girls and parents.
